i'm a little

 i'm a little girl who wants to be loved 

 

i want to be noticed by parents too absorbed in gifted and talented programs and dual enrollment credits

 

to see their daughter wasting away

 

i am a waning moon, disappearing into nothingness with each passing day

 

the less of me that exists the more important i will be so i fall in love with the feeling of emptiness

 

i cant tell you what it felt like to graduate high school or have my first girlfriend but

 

i know how many calories are in a quarter of an apple or

 

one carton of low-fat yogurt

 

i knew when i was growing up, literally, when i hit 100 pounds

 

and how much of a personal failing it felt like

 

my body was meant to be canvas stretched taut across wood

 

on a stomach full of air i felt graceful and powerful

 

i strode across pavement knowing no one could hurt me

 

life is so much simpler when all that matters is calories and saturated fat content 

 

this is what i miss about it

 

not the black spots in front of my eyes or how my knees buckle when i stand up and the world that sways around me like a pendulum but

 

how the world was my apple and the people on it marionettes and i, the puppet master

 

life is different now that im no longer in the thick of it

 

im able to miss it since i no longer kneel and sacrifice my body to it